So, in the past week, I've had my 'catheter incident', I ran away and just about screwed up everything with Mari, got into yet another discussion with Bruce about him and Sherry and now about how the love-of-his-life Hanne plays into all that, and I contacted the coach of the local wheelchair basketball team.
I feel pretty productive, and stupid.
The whole catheter thing is still bugging me. I'm trying not to let it, because I don't want to have it get to me too much and screw things up with Mari. Most girls would've bailed themselves after something like that, and she just got mad at me for bailing myself. It just still worries me, like for any other times when we're getting physical, like what if it happens again? Bruce was saying that it was no big deal and it's not like I can control it, but god, I hate the fact that I can't even control stuff like that. I hate that when I'm making out with my girlfriend, that I'm going to be worrying about if I'm going to wet my pants again. And how much can happen with me before Mari decides she's better off with that Brandon guy, or with
any other guy?
And how many times am I going to let myself get like this? Bruce was saying - can't believe how much sensible advice I'm getting from him, by the way - that I need to accept that people like me, and I think that's one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm always worried about that, the way I was with each new roommate in college, or when I joined Lambda Chi, I always worry about what each of those people would think of me, if they'd even want to put up with me. I've really got to start getting over that because, aside from maybe a few people back at school, and maybe Sherry, there hasn't been that many people who don't like me or can't handle me all cause of the disability.
It's just hard to do sometimes. It's hard for people like Bruce or Mari or my other friends or even the rest of my family to get what it's like for me, and I know that they all hate me saying that they don't get it, and maybe I use that too much, but in the end, that's the truth. Yeah, my family and Bruce have been there since the beginning of all this, but nobody's going to really get what it's like for me except me. I think that's why I've liked playing basketball so much. After I left rehab back in high school, I didn't really keep in touch with anybody I met there, because I felt weird having other disabled friends. And I never had any, until I joined Cruisers back in sophomore year, when I suddenly had this entire team of guys like me. It felt pretty cool, and I think maybe that's what I'm needing. I have to try out with this team here, sometime next week, and I feel pretty confident. The coach said it's a great team, most of the guys are around my age, like a few Columbia students and all, and it's pretty low-key too, just a lot of fun. I think it's what I need.
I don't even know what to say anymore on all the stuff with Bruce and Sherry. I feel like no matter what I say, Bruce is going to do what he wants, and most of the stuff I want to say would just piss him off and I don't want to get in a fight over this, so I'm just going to let him do what he wants. I just have a feeling it's all going to come around and bite him in the ass eventually, and I'm going to hate seeing that happen. I know he's miserable with Sherry, she seems pretty miserable too, and all I can do is just sit back and hope that they realize that they aren't stuck with each other forever and that they can actually
do something about how miserable both of them are.
